Slim Thug - Already Platinum
Ok, back in the saddle. Today, I'm reviewing Slim Thug's album, Already Platinum. Now, I'll be honest...I haven't heard a lick of this album outside of what's on BET, but regardless, I'm a bit worried. I'm not sure why, but my gut tells me it's because Slim is from Texas. I know it's a totally ignorant deduction, but the truth of the matter is, TEXAS FUCKING SUCKS. But, here is the difference that has me holding out hope:
 Slim Thuggy is signed to The Neptunes' record label, Star Trak.
 The Neptunes are from Virginia.
 So is my mom.
So, here is my theory: I am a ghetto fucking supa star. Hells fuckin yea, I am. I'm my mom's G'd out baby boy. So - I know this is a stretch - but, if you consider The Neps to be Slim's rap parents, and you follow the theory, then there should be some super human cripness going on here. You got me? Aight, fuck it. Let's test...
Intro is short for introduction. Who needs the refresher course? Not me. This better have a hot beat...[pressing play]
Hmm, I don't know how I feel about this one. The beat is pretty cool, but nothing amazing. I'm sure some almost-deaf-loser out there is gonna tell you it's awesome, but it's not. Just a bassline and some sound effects. Really, honestly, it's almost tight, but it's lacking something. Biggie or Tupac, perhaps. Let's move on.
Like A Boss
Aight, I know this one. This was Slim Thugger's first single. You might have seen the video on BET. If I recall correctly, Slim spends the whole 3 minutes and change swerving up and down the street in some crazy ass, rimmed-up whip. Obviously, these dudes have nothing better to do but show the fuck off down there. Ok, so here's a challenge: you show me proof that there is even one proper highschool in all of Texas, and I'll personally buy you an ice cold can of beer. Domestic.
BTW, some retarded ass hoodrat keeps screaming about Slim being the muh'fuckin boss. It sounds mad cheesy. Like, way cheesy. Must be his sis or something.
3 Kings (featuring Bun B & T.I.)
3 Kings? Lol...yea fucking right.
Whoa, this joint sounds old school as hell. Like on some Master P 97' shit. Well, wait. Hold the presses. I guess that was only the beginning. Once the verses kick in, this one picks up a bit. But, don't freak out...nothing big ends up happening. Actually, I'm bored and over it already. T.I. and Bun B do nothing special. Just take up space for the most part.
Boyz In Blue (featuring Killa Kyleon, Sir Daily, PJ & Chris Ward)
Fuck Yea! Now, I think we all know who this song is gonna be about. Hopefully, this one will be dedicated to giving a cop a taste of his own nightstick. Up the anus, preferably. No homo.
Man, Goddammit. Whatta disappointment. Yall remember when those four shitkickin cops gave Rodney King a free asswhippin on the Pomona Freeway, then were allowed to ride rollercoasters, drink coffee, and eat pizza for punishment? Well, this song is kinda like that. Major injustice. Eazy E is probably coughing in his grave right now.
I Ain't Heard of That REMIX (featuring Bun B)
Hells Yea! Now this is what I'm fucking talking about. This bitch beats. Neptunes are at the top of their production game on this hot ass track. Peep the hook...
I don' t take em out to eat, I ain't here to trick or treat, I ain't trying to fix your weave...I ain't hearda that.
I'm just here to train hoes, put em on the main road, teach em how to change clothes...I know you hearda that.
Fucking awesome! You see, with this hook, Slim does an excellent job of pitchin' game. Thugger is teaching these hoes how to get ready for a hard night's work, without spending a dime. Only one problem, Slim. You didn't finish the formula. But, that's what I'm here for...
I don't take em off the street, I don't wanna hear a peep, Naw, ya aint bout to sleep...I ain't hearda that.
I'm just here to break hoes, Teach em how to make dough, Here's your cut...Zeeero...I know you hearda that.
You ain't breakin them pockets right, Slim Hug. You gotta get tough on these skeezoids.
Click Clack (featuring Pusha T)
Aight, Click Clack. This title, I assume, refers to the sound a gun makes when loading a slug into the chamber of a pistol. Awesome noise? Totally. But, considering all post-Civil War pistols are semi-automatic, there is actually no practical reason to manually load the chamber anymore. This motion/sound effect is only used to either show off your gangsterness, or to preemptively threaten an opponent with scorching hot bullets. Here's a scenario:
A confrontation sparks...you pull your semi-auto from your pants. Make sure you look tough and don't blink. Dude should bounce. But, let's say he doesn't...then what? Well, i'll tell you what...it's click-clack time. Raise the pistol to chest level and aggressively pull the slide back (click clack). Simultaneously say, "We gotta problem here?" Repeat, "We gotta muthafuckin problem here?" 99% of the time, the puto will either  shit his pants, or  retreat in fear. In the event that he does neither? Well, your turn. Either shit your pants, or retreat in fear. On to the song.
Hmm, weird ass track...sounds half No-Limit, half Neptunes. You'll know what I mean when you hear it. It's not tight, but the hook almost compensates. Slim Thugga sounds pretty serious about his potential to shoot other black people down in the street. Now, generally I don't condone that kinda thing unless it's related to red vs. blue bandanas, but shit man, this hook almost makes me wanna get my Bernard Goetz on.
By the way, Pusha T sucks as usual.
Everybody Loves A Pimp (featuring Jazze Pha)
Everybody Loves A Pimp? Everybody like who? Non-pimps, hate pimps. Hoes hate pimps. Only pimps love pimps.
The hook on this song has Jazze Pha singing, "Churrch Churrch...Tabernacle Tabernacle...Preach Preach!" WTF? Whatever dude. Since when did pimpin have anything to do with the ministry? Now, I'm no Jesus Freak, and true, old ladies in big ass church hats deserve a delicious Nike sandwich courtesy of me, but damn...I draw the line here. Pimpin' is not righteous.
This song sucks ass anyway. Well, that's a little strong, but really, this song is ridiculous.
Already Platinum (featuring Pharrell)
Hmm...this is an interesting beat. Pretty hot actually. Wait, Pharrell just rapped that he'll make your chest look just like some pizza. What the hell does that mean? Dude, stick to the beats please.
Ashy to Classy
Fuck yea. Biggie's classic line is used as the title of this song. If Slim fucks this up, I'll never forgive him. [pressing play...]
Ok...no problems here. This beat is hot. Obviously, dude is no Biggie, but this track doesn't exploit the fact. It's soooo not Slim's style, but nice regardless.
Note: Slim says when he was 17 years old, he chilled on the thuggery to focus on school. Whatta crock of shit.
Aw fuck. What point is this going to serve. An interview? [pressing play...]
Oops. My bad. This is just a song called interview. Hot beat too. Actually, If you listen closely, you'll notice that this employs the same sample Nas used for, "Poppa was a player." Naturally, Nas' version was much better.
Playa Ya Don't Know
Everything but the drums suck on this. I've noticed that the Neptunes can get a little spaced out with some of their overly synthed beats. This is a perfect example. If I had to guess, this would probably be a hit on planet, K-Pax.
This one is a love jam directed towards marijauna. Dumb concept, dumb song, and done about 50 times before. This sucks to the 50th power.
Incredible Feeling (featuring Jazze Pha)
What the fuck? This song is dumb as hell too. It does sample a hot guitar riff from some rock n' roll song, but fuck dude. I'm so bored right now.
This Is My Life
Pfhew...I almost couldn't take it anymore. This one is better. But, beat wise only. The piano and drums will have you rocking out, for sure. Unfortunately though, I'm starting to realize Slim isn't talented at all. The hook is fucking terrible. Sure, he has the voice, and yes, he is like 6 gadunkazillion feet tall, but that just ain't enough. I need some raps.
Actually, wait. I just heard a semi-funny line...good lookin' Slim. He says...
"I had to get rich...or either sit bitch....fuck rollin' shotgun, I had to get my own shit."
Hmm, reading it back, it doesn't really sound all that hot. But, you gotta hear him say it. It's better, plus it's true. Sitting in that middle seat is for bitch-made niggas and poor people.
Man, shit. I know what's about to happen here. I bet you this is gonna be the obligatory song on every unoriginal rap album. A tribute to the slain homies. Now, don't get me wrong. I've lost nuff friends to the street. My bestfriend, as a matter of fact, but fuck dude. What do ya'll care? You don't, so I don't waste your time. Well, actually I do, but not regarding my dead homies. I do it with awesome, but pointless stories like this:
Bishop Magic Don Juan is a fucking asshole. You know him...Snoop's old-ass pimp homie. Well anyway, true story, I saw him last night at the club celebrating some D.C. pimp named Ju Ju's berfday. They had an ice sculpture on the dance floor and about 30 trashy bitches in tow. One of which (a snowbunny), Bishop made dance butt naked in the middle of an all Jackson club. So, obviously dude has a sense of humor, right? Well, think again. I made a joke he didn't find funny one bit. All I said was, "Dude, you look like a pimp! But, like damn! Like, a real-life
pimp!" I mean, clearly he is a pimp, so I guess he realized I was poking fun at his ignorance and general shitbagness. He just stared at me for about 4 seconds, didn't smile, looked to his right, then gave some goon the nod to punch me in the face. But, I dont get punched, homie. Know What Im Sayin? For real yo, getting punched is for chumps. So....I ran, kinda. Well, more like dashed. Anyway, it was a good night, but fuck Bishop Magic Don Juan.
Oh yea, and I was right about this morbid ass song. Unless you went to highschool with Slim, or happen to have the same exact group of friends, you should probably skip this one.
3 out of 5