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Keyshia Cole - The Way It Is

Keyshia Cole. Anyone know who she is? Cuz, I don't. Well, I do, but not much. This is what I know for sure: 1, she is from Oakland... and 2, she is soooo ghetto. Oh, and apparently --according to her-- the late, great Tupac met her when she was a child and gave her some Jesse Jackson speech about succeeding. She said she listened and strove for the top, which is what got her to where she is now. But of course, instead of becoming something respectable, like a doctor, or a taste-tester maybe....she decided to show her ass on TV and put this CD out. It's called, The Way It Is, which doesn't mean anything, by the way. I mean, everything is the way it is. Cats are cats and cars are cars. Things are what they are. Isaac Newton or somebody said that a long time ago.

Maybe I'm not making any sense, but my basic point is this: why are people wasting titles? A title is a statement, so fucking make one. Like this, for instance --I don't know that this would make a good title, but it is definitely a statement I would like to make -- I think we should change the way we measure diamonds. The karat system doesn't mean anything to me, or anyone, I'm sure. So to fix this, I think a diamond should be measured by the number of dead Africans it took to mine it. So, a 3 karat necklace would become a 4 nigga necklace. Got it? Makes sense? I mean, c'mon...who wouldn't buy a CD called, 4 Nigga Necklace? I know I would. Anyway, sorry for wasting your time. Let's get on to the review...

(I Just Want It) To Be Over
Fuck yea! The parenthesized part of this title sounds hot like sex, but then, disappointingly, it concludes with a kick to the nuts.

I think this song is her second single. It has some hot drums rolling around every couple secs or so, but everything else bores me.

I Changed My Mind
See that title? This is exactly how chicks get caught up in sticky situations. No changing your mind on O.G. Bobby Johnson. When dinner is on me...immediately after you take your first bite of salad, the contract is signed. I expect sex.

Ah, I know this song. You may have seen the video on BET. I kinda like this song except for the fact that the beat is produced by that massive homosessual, Kanye West. This song is about Keyshia telling her man that she has changed her mind about loving him. What the fuck kind of shit is that? You can't change your mind about loving someone. Only hookers, pimps, and total bitches have the power to turn those emotions on and off.

I Thought You Had My Back
I can tell from this title, Keyshia Cole rolls with some suckas.

Well, I'll be damned...this song is almost hot. I say almost, because it sounds like it's missing 7 or 8 instruments. Otherwise, not a bad tune.

I Should Have Cheated.
WHAT? You should have cheated? Are you fucking kidding me? The reason you don't cheat is because you're a good person, not because you're trying to stay neck-and-neck with your loser boyfriend. Don't ever date this chick.

I guess maybe I'm so sensitive about the subject because my first serious girlfriend cheated on me with my homie. That shit hurt like a flaming hot dagger to the face. I wish I could say it all went down while I was in the pen, but sadly, it didn't. I was right down the street playing Sega or something. When I found out, i kicked some random white dude's ass at a party. I wrongly thought he was talking shit about me. He really didn't deserve the thrashing I lent him but, the way I see it...his people enslaved my people, so it all kinda balances out. Actually, what I should have done was put his ass to work and paid him in pig's feet.

Cleary, this chick knows nothing about love.

This song starts out with some special kinda magical guitar playing the chords. I can't say I've ever heard anything like it. I think I like this one.

You've Changed
Oh yea, this joint uses the same sample as that Jay-Z song, Song Cry. I think that's what it's called, but maybe not. Anyway, it's the song where he is talking about how chicks wouldn't date him back in the day due to his mouth size and generally heinous face. The song then goes on to discuss how now that he has money, chicks want to do him, which is very hard for me to believe. Because, you see...Jay-Z is still...totally...fugly.

We Could Be
I'm really getting sick of Keyshia Cole's voice. I just realized it. She should be in a group of four. Or maybe nine. Anyway, this song reminds me of riding a bike with no seat.

Yo, speaking of situations, the other night my homeboy and I came across a body in the middle of the street. Dude got hit by a car and left for dead. Shit was crazy. Spanish cat. That wasn't supposed to be funny or anything. Just some shit that has been on my mind all week. [pressing play...]

Damn, this would have to be the hottest song on the CD. If I weren't so depressed, I would probably be doing some kind of dance right now.

Down and Dirty
Down and Dirty? Well, I read the down and dirtiest shit ever today. I found it on MSNBC and its 100% legitimate. Here is an excerpt:
Seattle man dies after sex with horse
SEATTLE - A Seattle man died after engaging in anal sex with a horse at a farm suspected of being a gathering place for people seeking to have sex with livestock, police said Friday.

The horse involved in the incident was not harmed, and an autopsy of the unnamed man concluded that "the manner of death was accidental ... due to perforation of the colon," a police spokesman said.

"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web," said Sgt. John Urquhart of the King County Sheriff's Department.

Although sex with animals is not illegal in Washington state, Urquhart said that investigators were looking into whether the farm, located in Enumclaw, 40 miles southeast of Seattle, allowed sex with smaller animals that resulted in animal cruelty, which is a crime.

"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues," Urquhart said.

LOL...now, honestly, is that not the most beserk shit you've ever heard? But, the really funny part isn't that dude slept with a horse, but it's that sexing sheeps and goats crosses the crime line. Why? I mean, I wouldn't fuck any kind of animal, or even a large chick, but I mean, if I had to...like gun to the head style, clearly I would bone the sheep before the horse. But, apparently I would get in tons of more trouble for it and that freaking sucks. Why the harsher punishment for sheeping? And, not that I want to see it, but the event has to be on videotape somewhere, right? Because, the day you fuck a horse must trump all other life moments, right? Surely, that is something you would want to have on tape.

But really, I shouldn't be horsing around with this subject, because damn, a dude lost his life. I guess the moral of the story is...being gay and super duper horny will tear the ass out of you.

LOL...whoa...for some reason, some mad man keeps shouting out "1,2,3,4!!!" over and over again on this one. I can't figure out why. You have to listen to this song just for that. This is insane. Also, some male chick is on here sanging and talking to Keyshia in the whamest late night voice you'll ever hear. Fuck, "1,2,3,4!!!!" again. This shit is fucking hilarious.

This is a remix of that Luther Vandross (RIP) song, "Never too Much, Never too Much, Never too Much" I never liked that song, but now that Luther died from Cheeseburgers, I don't think I'm allowed to say it. Anyway, this version sounds exactly like the original, except Eve was added to make it suck more. Mission accomplished.

3 out of 5

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