Fat Joe - All or Nothing
Ok, I want to warn you fools up front. I'm 5 Michelob Ultras in, so this review
might be totally retarded, hence the picture of La Bamba Boy, which looks remarkably like Fat Joe. Woops, just made a pit stop for 3 more brews. This
might be a problem, but don't worry, spell check is in full effect. So anyway, Fatso Joe (aka Joey Crack, Cooked Coke, and Lard Ass) has a new album, entitled All or Nothing. I guess Joe thought it was OK to remix the title of
his arch nemesis, 50 Cent's Get Rich or Die Trying. How wack. Anyway, let's rock...
OK, an intro. I'm gonna
leave my comments on the retardation of intros to myself and just listen.
Holy shit. If all intros were like this, I wouldn't be such a sour puss. Wait, actually, this isn't even
really an intro. It lasts 3:37, which basically makes it a song, entitled Intro.
Does Anybody Know
For some reason, this title is an unfinished question with no puntuaction. Don't worry, I
will finish it off. Does Anybody Know When Kitty Cats Do It?
I mean, seriously,
has anyone ever seen it go down? Dogs are notorious for gettin busy on that
little strip of grass in between the sidewalk and the street, but cats appear
to be either mad private about it, or they are made from seeds. Well, I forgot about magic. Maybe that's it. Now, on to the song...
This beat is getting me hyped. This is like a hip hop rock song. Joseph said, "I'm running
in the sand, like a scene from Rocky." Eww. Those aren't exactly the type
of tits I want to see bouncing up and down
the beach. Joe also big up'd Big Pun, who
was my favorite SanchezConchitaRamirez in the bidness.
Safe 2 Say (Incredible)
I don't like when people use digits instead of words. Unless you're text messaging me,
stop acting like a 7th grader and spell that shit out.
FUCK YEA!!!!!!!! Just Blaze
(my favorite Jackson) keeps on killing the beat game. I don't know how he does
it. If I didn't have like 8 more songs to go, I would be outside smacking kids
and pissing on my neighbor's tires. This joint has me ready for action.
So Much More
Cool and Dre producing this heat
rock of a beat. New rule:
No more dudes named Andre in the rap game. Anytime
one of these dudes come up, you have to have a 17 second follow up convo to
discern who you're talking about. I'm sick of it. If I have to refer to this particular
Dre again, I'll call him "Dre That Looks Exactly Like My Homie Tayo from Ohio".
Joe Crack said he is down
with Kirk Franklin. For those that don't know, Kirk is the toughest DM in the
My Fo Fo
Alright, I know from my in depth magazine perusing that this jam is supposed
to be a retaliatory laser beam shot at 50 cent. A couple months back, Fiddy
called Joe a fat ass, and I guess Crack didn't like it one bit. This is what rap
is all about. Hopefully, someone will get shot. Most likely it will be 50 since
he is the more talented of the two.
This song sounds just like
Piggy Bank, the song that started it all. Joe teases 50 about not having shot
up the vibe awards when Suge's goon punched Dr.
Dre in the face. Damn...Young Buck stabbed the dude up on national T.V. How much more gangsta do you
want it, Joe?
Rock Ya Body
Is this gonna be a dance
song? Cuz, I got moves.
LOL...this song blows big
time. Joe says, "Who the fuck you know like Cook? Kill a nigga on the verse,
and then can dance on the hook?" LOL...whatever.
Listen Baby - Ft. Mashonda
This one is produced by
Swizz. It's like 2 totally different beats in one song. Which is totally innovative,
except for the fact that one rocks and one sucks ass. They keep tag teaming back
in forth, which is making my ears dizzy.
Fats is talking about giving
some chick the worst fuck of her life and then skidaddling on the
skeezoid. Awesome. He gets frustrated with her for giving him The Boom Boom even
though he has a wife. What integrity.
Get It Poppin - Ft. Nelly
Does Nelly still wear that stupid ass band-aid on his face? He says he wears it
as a tribute to his brother who is currently busy playing "The Poke n' Stroke"
in the Jig House.
This one is produced by
Scott Storch and is sub-par by his standards. But, listen to this one with headphones
and you will learn why dude is such a beast. Sonically, dude kills the game.
This beat is ok, but I don't
feel like talking about it. Nothing exciting going on here. Note: Did you know that Battle Creek, Michigan is the cereal capital of the world?
More of the same. Hot change up for the hook tho. True Story: Last night, at my most shit faced moment, I told this white babe to lose the freckles and grow up. She wasn't acting immature or anything, I just think freckles are for kids. She was blown.
Everybody Get Up
Dance track? Perfect! Cuz, last night I made up a hot move called, "The Jiffy
Pop". You start at a squat, and when ready, you turbo boost to a standing
position. Next, do a fast and enthusiastic, hopping 360° turn, then back to a squat . Repeat until the song is over.
This one is produced by
Timbaland, whose body looks identical to a baseball. Lard Ass said he lost weight,
which is fucking bullshit.
I Can Do U
Whoa, easy on the title, Joe. I ain't no homo.
This beat is not hip hop. You remember Blondie from the 80's? She probably dropped her drink when she heard this one.
So Hot - Ft. R. Kelly
Ok, R. Kelly is featured on here, so the title is probably talking about
urine. Why are people still doing songs with this Piss Pot? WTF? What do you
have to do to be shunned by the hip hop community? This dude was video taped taking a leak on
a child's face! But to be fair, the Jesus in me is willing to forgive
it all if this song is any good. Let's see...
Hmm....Kells isn't getting
off the hook with this one. No way. This one is produced by Cool and Dre That
Looks Exactly Like My Homie Tayo from Ohio. It has some kinda Messican vibe
to it. Sucks.
Lean Back (Remix) - Ft. Lil Jon, Eminem, Mase, and Remy Martin
Alright, everybody knows this song. So, I don't have to explain much.
This one kicks off with
that Jesus Freak, Mase rapping without one curse word. I'm annoyed. Who asked
him to come back anyway?
Lil Jon is also on here getting crunkalicious as usual.
Dumb title. That's not even
how you spell novocaine. (thanks spell check)
OK, word up. This album
was headed down the tubes until this anthem beat crept in. I'm breaking out my
gray jogging sweats for this one. You know the type...no pockets and elastic for
Hold U Down - Ft. Jennifer Lopez
Bennifer Hoepez here doing
her best runaway bride impression. You have to be a real jerk-attack to fall
from grace like this chick did. When I think of her, I don't even picture that
boombastic ass she has been known for. I'm surprised she even stuck
around to finish the song. This track is the pits.
Way to close out an album
3.5 out of 5